Value.

We have a fair number of kids, and over the years they've all been pretty involved in any number of extra curricular activaties.  If you've been around the blog for a long time you know that some of our kids have been HIGHLY involved in one activity while others have opted to bounce between seasons and anything with a ball.    I've spent more time then I ever imagined I would in a ballet studio, learned to be stage manager for full scale theatrical productions, how to time a swim meet, the various rules and regulations of baseball, soccer, and most recently track.  I know more about figure skating then I ever learned watching NBC sports on Sunday afternoons when there was nothing else to show. ;)

The most common question I get asked is "how do you afford all that?" and the second most common question is "why?!!"  Sometimes the second question comes with a side of snark and a whole lot of attitude.  Of course, the answers to those questions are complicated, and vary by child. They are also, frankly, none of the asker's business. 

However, every once in a while there is a day where it most clearly illustrates, WHY I pay for all that.  Yesterday was one of those days:

It was Monday, Charlotte had a lesson.  Spring Break was FINALLY over and my schedule was back to "normal".  All seemed to be running smoothly until mid way through her lesson when I realized I could see her stomping on the ice from outside the rink.  Truth be told, I only "watch" her lesson in occasional glances thru the window, usually from the picnic bench or if I am walking by carrying Ella around, or, more recently, chasing Ella around.  

After a few moments of watching the stomping and turning away  from her coach , by the window,  I went in to make sure her coach wasn't ready for me to drag her off the ice.  Charlotte LOVES to skate.  I mean she L-O-V-E-S, loves to skate.  But as my good friend J likes to say "she's also six, and somedays she's going to BE six."     She was DECIDELY six yesterday.

Her coach confirmed we were "having a bit of a tantrum" and I watched long enough to figure out that the heart of the issue was that Coach wanted her to work on a skill she hates, on a skill that is hard, and long story short, she didn't want to.  

Charlotte's coach is Fantastic with a capital F.  She managed the rest of the lesson, coaxing along my reluctant skater girl, trying to get her to overcome the idea that she "Can't" do x skill.  When her lesson was over, Charlotte came off the ice to see me.

At this point I usualy ask how the lesson went, she tells me "good" or "not so good" or some little thng they worked on, or something funny Coach said.  I really only ask to make conversation.  She typically gets a drink of water and goes back out for practice ice for half an hour. Yesterday I wasn't sure that was happening, because she walked out into the lobby and burst into tears.  Charlotte skates a lot and this had NEVER happened. 

Eventually I got her calmed down and some water and heard her retell the tale of how she had to work on her spin and she "can't do her spin that way!".  A frusturated little girl got asked:

"Charlotte, what do I tell your brothers about things worth doing?"

And a frusturated little skater girl said "that they're all sometimes hard."  Right. BINGO!  She's been listening. 

So I asked if she wanted to practice or was she done, and she said she wanted to practice, but she wanted me to watch.  Done! 

We went back into the rink and she practiced spins.  Some were really close.  Some were a disaster.  Some never got started.  She'd skate over and ask about her foot position.  She wanted me to video the next one for Daddy on my phone.  Now she wanted to see it.  No she was gonna try another one for the video, but don't erase that one okay?  Slowly but surely she was back to calm, and trying.  About half way thru her half hour I told her mommy was freezing and I was going back to the lobby, but she had worked really hard - and why didn't she spend the rest of the time practicing her jumps (which she loves) or other fun skating. 

She came off the ice on her own, with two minutes left in her time, and announced "I just have to go the bathroom"  I told her she was almost done anyway, so I would just sign her out on the sign in board, no biggie. "How many more minutes do I have?" she asked. 

"Two, just go to the bathroom, don't worry about it." I replied.

"Nah, I want to use my last few minutes, sign me out for the time I left to go to the bathroom"

THAT is what I pay for.  It's the real "value" of those extra curricular activities. 

Dedication.

Focus.

Ambition.

Goal setting

Passion.

How to have a BAD day, and turn that into desire to have a better one the next day.

How to loose graciously.

Learning how a healthy body matters.

How to work hard on things that come easily, and harder on things that don't.

To never give up.

Because none of my kids are going to be professional athletes, or Olympians, and while being able to scratch spin and crossover  your way into a salchow jump is a fun party trick at open skate, and Molly has long mastered the Titanic movie trick of standing on your toes, all that money wouldn't be worth  that. 
But that other stuff?  Seeing your kids so frustrated they want to quit and keep going anyway?  Watching them take deep breaths and refocus instead of melting down?   

I watched the little skater girl spin around my living room on her spinner last night while waiting for her dad to serve her ice cream and she did a lot of messy spins. But then.... she did just ONE spin, where she got into the right position for a fraction of a second.

"Yes!" she hollered and then giggled.   "I CAN DO THIS!" she exclaimed.

Yes, skater girl, you can do hard things. You can work hard, and accomplish goals.  Some goals take more work then others.  Some things will come easily to your friends, and be harder for you. But yes, you CAN do hard things.    And that?  That's worth every penny. 

Sibling Day

Facebook tells me that yesterday was "sibling day", and while I am pretty sure this is a "holiday" Facebook make up entirely on their own, I certainly seemed to see a lot of people boisterously observing it online.  Sure, why not?  So today I  am celebrating siblings, in the way that feels the most natural to me, by celebrating the unique relationships, close knit friendships, and ultimate bonding experience that comes from having "the shared experience" of growing up together, 

One of my favorite, and also most challenging aspects of parenting is the handling of the sibling relationship.  Because at the end of the day, even when they have done nothing but bicker, and argue, and stage jealous attacks, these kids will always have been each other's closest friends.

They are each other's first choice in playmate, their loudest cheer leader, their closest confidant, and at times their greatest rival and their harshest critic.  

As a parent, it's my job to play referee, chief counselor, and director of misplaced feelings.  More importantly it's my job to foster that sense of comradery that overcomes the inherent jealously and competition.  To encourage them to rejoice in one another's happiness, to share in our victories, and to be mindful of the idea that when all other friends have gone, they will always have each other.

This is not a task that I take lightly, but it IS an important one.  Asking not "what are they doing to you now?" and instead "what's going on with so and so?  What can you do to help them out?" 

Not to say I haven't been answered with "nothing he's being a butt!"  But I HAVE tried to redirect that to an empathetic heart, and a helpful spirit.   Because at the end of the day, at the end of the season, at the end of their parents lives, I want to rest knowing they will always have had the safety net of each other. 

editors note: One of the reasons I feel so compelled to foster the sibling relationship is that I have known the other side of siblings, no siblings.  Jason was an only child, and I never would have imagined until we faced them, the number of times we have said "if only you'd have had a sibling"  As a wife there have been times I may have sarcastically told him that it was a good thing he didn't, they'd have kicked his backside.  ;)  There are definite advantages to learning things like compromise and how to "fight fair" with siblings.  Of course not all children have siblings, and that's okay too of course. It's just not what our choice was. :)  (Minivan diaries strives to be a judge free zone. :) )

For myself, the child of a divorce, I have three half sisters.  One on my father's side, whom I am just now getting to know, in little bits,  by social media, and two I grew up with, but we simply aren't close.   Or anything near to it.  People are shocked by that.  But it's not really a shocking occasion.  They're grown ups, I wish good things for them, I sincerely hope that they are happy.  I just don't have any relationship with them.  There is a significant age gap, we aren't at similar places in life.   It's not a shocking or sad situation, its just what the situation is.   It has shaped how I hope my kids relate to each other both now, and as grown ups.  But I am realistic about the reality.  It's almost certain that Eleanor will be closer to Charlotte then she is to Luke, there's a fourteen year age difference.  But the bond between Luke and Molly?  Unbreakable.